Rest
by Jesterqueen
Summary: Series of inter-linking one-shots on Ichigo and Rukia's complex relationship. One shot the first: "There were so many times that day that Rukia had wanted to say something."


_Hey there... Finished with my exams, while I am waiting to find out if I passed my master's degree I figured that I would do something to take my mind off of it... Like write Bleach fanfiction!! So here is (or what is to be...) a series of bleach one-shots, though they do correspond to each other in some ways. They explore the relationship between Ichigo and Rukia through the series and after the series. I don't know if I will do them all chronologically, you will just have to wait and see now won't you? Hopefully Ichigo and Rukia are in character, my goal is to get really good at writing them and banish all OOCness far, far away. Let me know if there is anything I can do to improve. _

_Note on this particular oneshot: Takes place the night of the fight between Ichigo and the Grand Fisher. I've always wondered how Ichigo was certain that he would find Rukia at the Shiba household. I figure that she must have told him about what happened to Kaien sometime beforehand, and what better time than after the Grand Fisher attack?_

_Avoiding any lawsuits: If I owned Bleach, I wouldn't be worrying about whether I passed my exams or not..._

_Final thought: Did you know that has thirty-nine definitions of the word rest?_

**Rest**

_Definition 1: The refreshing quiet or repose of sleep: a good night's rest_

There were so many times that day that Rukia had wanted to say something. Before he had collapsed on her, when he roared in pain and anguish. Red hot fury heated her skin, contrasting sharply with the cool sweeping of the rain. She had wanted to say something as he walked away, slumped in the knowledge that his mother's killer had gotten away. She had tried, but the words just seemed to slide off him, like the rain, now merely drips that hardly left an imprint on their clothes. She had desperately wanted to say something to him when he demanded (pleaded) to remain a shinigami a little longer. But she was struck speechless by him, by the fiery determination and still bright pain. She couldn't think of anything to do but smile at him and whisper his name.

Now she laid in her (his) closet, after a long, too taxing day, still wanting to say something. If she knew him at all, and she was realizing that she knew more that she thought, he wasn't asleep. Pressing her ear to the closet door, she tried to listen for his breathing. She was too far away to actually hear anything. Still, there was no way he was asleep. He hadn't even changed when they had come home, just falling on his bed. Face towards the ceiling, palms resting, then clenching the covers, he had said "Night." With that acknowledgement he had shut his eyes and shut himself off to her, in the hopes of being left alone until morning.

She knew she wouldn't be able to sleep after something like that. If she had been able to fight the hollow that had taken over Kaien-dono again- no. Her heart clenched as she stamped out that thought. It was better not to think about that.

Only maybe she should. Maybe if she told him, it would help. To know that he wasn't alone, that there were others out there that felt as if they failed the people who had mattered the most to them. To know that life has to go on, and the only thing you could do is try to honor their memory, and do the best that you can. Live for them; make your heart the kind of home to spend eternity in.

Her hand stretched tentatively towards the door. But then he would see. Her weakness, her selfishness, her failure. Rukia had tried to so hard to be strong in front of him, determined, fearless, the consummate shinigami. She had been able to get through her first years as a shinigami because of Kaien-dono. He had in many ways been like the trees in the forest where he had trained her. She could always rest against his strength; she was always shielded by his protectiveness. Alone, she had felt so unworthy of even being a shinigami; she hadn't even really finished her training, everyone knew she was only there because she was now a Kuchiki. But Kaien-dono had dismissed the Kuchiki name, and refused to give up on Rukia the shinigami. And for him, she felt like she could be that warrior. For him, she could be fearless; she could fight anything that came her way. Rukia had tried to be for Ichigo what her vice captain had been for her. The inspiration, the role-model. The constant and stable force in the turbulent storm of change he found himself in. Or rather _she_ had placed him in. It was her duty to do what she could for him since she had gotten him into this mess, and the only thing she seemed to be able to offer him was direction, encouragement, and unwavering resolve. She probably could never match up to Kaien-dono's example, but she had to try.

If Ichigo saw, if he knew what she really was- well, she really didn't know what would happen. Would he pity her? She couldn't take it if he did; if he stopped his yelling, griping and exasperated rants and spoke in cautious, delicate tones. She may feel like damaged goods, but she would rather die (again) that be treated like that. Would he be disgusted?

For some reason the idea petrified her. Chills ran down her spine, her stomach twisted, and all the sudden she found it hard to breath. The closet had never felt so small. Rukia was surprised by the vehemence of her own reaction. When had his opinion of her become so important? He was just a boy, only a sixth of her age. Not to mention he was human. Why did she care what he thought?

Maybe it was because he looked so much like the ghosts of her past. She hadn't thought of his resemblance to Kaien-dono until he had stood before her in shinigami robes, radiating power, after she had transferred her abilities to him. It was only then did she see the similarity in their spiky heads of hair, the chiseled jut of their chin, and their eyes... they had the same dangerous, steely gleam when they fought. Was she chasing Kaien-dono's approval by demanding Ichigo's?

Something about that idea didn't seem right to Rukia. Her relationship with Ichigo was so different from that with Kaien-dono. She was his equal; in a way that she had never felt she was Kaien-dono's. Her vice-captain was always above her, their relationship was friendly and informal, but there was always a distance. She was a subordinate. The scales were balanced with Ichigo. They were partners, and on the same wave length in a way that she hadn't been with anyone but Renji, and that had been decades ago. He may have fought most of the battles, but she helped and gave directions. He needed her in order to even become a shinigami. Even when she was lording her knowledge of the spirit world and shinigami over him, he just rolled his eyes and making fun of her drawings.

Would that change? Would he no longer even listen? Would he refuse to heed her advice during hollow battles, getting himself killed? Would he refuse to fight them completely?

His steely gaze came back into her mind, brown eyes alive in the darkness in a way that she'd never seen before. No. There was no way he would stop; he was now driven to protect others, to never fail anyone again. And that was part of the problem. She wondered how far he'd go to sacrifice himself, how much he was willing to give up out of guilt for failing his mother. She couldn't have him dying. It was unacceptable, he was too young, he had so much to live for, to experience... and she had taken him off that path and thrown him into the world of the dead. Well, that was not wholly true, he had always glimpsed that world, but he was now risking himself in a way he never had before, doing something that was supposed to be _her_ job.

So she had to say something. Make sure he didn't sacrifice himself for something too stupid. Make sure he realized that after she got her powers back, he had to go on with his life and have the future that his mom probably wanted for him, and stop fighting for what was dead and gone. That was her job, not his. His was to be happy.

She desperately wanted him to be happy. Maybe that was the part of him where she most identified him with her vice captain. Kaien-dono had died so anguished. She didn't want to see this boy unhappy because of her; she didn't want him to hurt on her account.

Rukia slid the closet door open quietly, ready and determined to face the teen lying quietly on the bed across from her. Ichigo was lying completely still, gripping the sheets beneath him, though his hold had slacked considerably. For a moment she thought he might actually have fallen asleep. "Ichigo?" She ventured softly. She sat up in her closet, much to the annoyance of Kon, who was the recipient of an unintended kick because of his position at her feet. Luckily for Rukia, he grumbled lightly before rolling over and continuing to snore obliviously.

Ichigo didn't move a muscle in response. He just continued to lie there quietly.

Rukia's indigo eyes narrowed in the darkness as she took in Ichigo's features, the tight line of his mouth, his furrowed eyebrows, worry lines on his forehead that no teenager should have. Even when he was asleep he was scowled. She had never seen anyone look so serious and tense when unconscious. Only rarely had she seen him completely relax, his face finally losing all of the age that jadedness and suffering had forced on him. Only rarely did he actually seem like a fifteen year old child.

"Ichigo?" She tried again, with a little added force. This time she thought she saw one of his eyes twitch beneath his tightly closed lids. Rukia sighed. If only she could just yell at him or throw something, but then she was in danger of waking Kon. And Kon would make the conversation awkward. What to do, what to do... The hell with it!

Gently grabbing Kon, trying to make sure she didn't wake him, she moved toward the door and out into the hall. Since it was nearly two in the morning, she could move freely without fear of running into Ichigo's father or sisters. Finding Karin and Yuzu's door, she laid him down carefully, feeling not an ounce of remorse for the nasty surprise the mod soul inhabiting the stuffed animal would receive in the morning. Kon would of course gripe and complain, and try to seek comfort in her chest, but she would tell him that he sleepwalked and hit him and that would be the end of that.

Now to deal with Ichigo. Quietly re-entering the room, she looked for a weapon. Something softer than normal, he had been through a lot today after all. Ah! His textbook. Much less lethal than his chair. Down right magnanimous of her.

"URG?! WHAT THE FUCK?!" Ichigo yelled as the textbook collided with his skull. He rubbed his aching forehead as he glared at the evil midget shinigami before him. "Bitch! What was THAT for?!"

Arms crossed, a smirk of satisfaction ghosted over her face before her expression became serious. He hadn't been asleep. His gaze was too sharp, he was much too coherent and alert. Good. "We need to talk."

His eyebrow quirked and his shoulders stiffened. "Is there a hollow?"

"No you fool, would I have said 'talk' if there was a hollow?" Rukia sighed in exasperation as she sat on the edge of his bed, as far away from him as possible. The comfort of her (his) closet would have been preferable, but she knew she should be facing him for this.

Ichigo continued to glare at her. "What then? If this is about what happened today, I really don't want to talk about, and you said were okay with that." He reminded her, his voice growing quieter and wearier as he talked.

"Well too bad." Rukia said firmly piercing him with a determined glare before softening slightly. "I meant what I said. I'm not going to force my way in. But-" _I can open my heart to you instead..._ "I wanted to tell you something" Her voice hitched a little as she spoke.

His shoulders relaxed considerably as he moved to sit Indian-style on the bed. Rukia usually never got emotional like this. He rested the palm of his hands on his knees while he waited for her to continue.

Rukia closed her eyes and took a deep breath, before turning to look out the window. She really didn't want to see his face right then. "I don't even know where to begin... I-"

"Any day now..." Ichigo drawled in a sing-song voice, acting impatient. It worried him a little bit that she was this hesitant and emotional; she hadn't even behaved this way when she told him hollows were formerly human souls.

"Shut up bakamono!" She couldn't help but smile inwardly at the way he broke the tension. "I was really close to the vice-captain of my squad, Shiba Kaien. Kaien-dono was, well" Rukia smiled sadly as she went back to staring out the window "He was a really amazing shinigami. Taught me nearly everything I know about sword-fighting and battling hollows. I use a lot of the same techniques he used to teach me to help you."

There was something about the way Rukia spoke about Kaien that Ichigo was not comfortable with. A certain reverence, a kind of devotion that seemed to stab a part of him he wasn't aware of until now. This guy was a part of her life in a way that he wasn't. He knew she would disappear the instant her powers were back, and that he probably wouldn't see her again. He briefly wondered if she would take his memory of their time together away, just like she had doctored the memories of his friends and classmates. Hiding the discomforting direction his thoughts had taken, he joked "Does he also draw that badly?"

"Actually, he's dead. I killed him."

Ichigo went quiet, his eyes wide in shock.

She refused to look at him, continuing to look out the window. "Kaien-dono had a wife, Miyoko, she was the third seat of our squad. Miyoko-dono was powerful, and graceful, and Kaien-dono was devoted to her. One day, she was out with some members from our squad on a routine hollow patrol." Her eyes closed. "The entire group was killed, including Miyoko-dono. When Kaien-dono found out, he vowed to hunt the hollow that had killed his wife and men and avenge them. My captain and I went with him, to support him. The hollow had some sort of special ability... Kaien-dono's zanpakutou vanished as soon as it touched the hollow. So he began fighting the hollow with his bare hands... I wanted to help, but my captain made me stay back-"

"Why?" Ichigo surprised himself by his interruption, he was so transfixed listening to her that he didn't even realize he had said that aloud.

Her dark purple eyes blinked and briefly turned to meet his brown ones, a sad smile lighting her features. He could see that her eyes were bright with unshed tears. "Because it was the same as you fighting today. It was a fight for pride. Kaien-dono was fighting for his pride, his wife's pride, and his men's pride. I had no right to interfere."

He frowned, seemingly at a loss for something to say in response. "In any case, the hollow had a second special ability that none of us could have known about. He was able to take over Kaien-dono's body." Her voice broke, remembering that horrible moment that her beloved Kaien-dono had turned around with those hideous eyes, taunting and laughing at her. "My captain told me to run away, and at first I did, but I thought that maybe I could save him, that there was something I could do to help get that _thing_ out of him..." She didn't try to disguise the disgust in her voice, though she doubted Ichigo could have known it was directed more at herself rather than the hollow.

"I'm not exactly sure how it happened..." In his mind's eye, Ichigo saw himself running towards a girl leaning dangerously close the raging waters...

"But one moment Kaien-dono was leaping toward me..." Ichigo saw his mother scream after him, catapulting herself towards him...

"And the next he was leaning against me, impaled on my zanpakutou." Ichigo saw his mother's body shielding him, a gaping wound in her chest. She wouldn't respond to his pleas to get up...

He looked up from his revelry to see Rukia trying to compose herself, breathing heavily as she steadfastly avoided his gaze. "Rukia... I..."

"There is a point to this, Ichigo." She interrupted firmly. She didn't want his pity. None of his cautious, gentle tones; no gloves for the injured dove, none of it. She didn't deserve that crap. That was the whole reason she hadn't talked to anyone about the incident. Not even Renji. He had sought her out, wanted to be there and comfort her, to tell her that it wasn't her fault. But it was her fault. All her fault. So she ignored and avoided him, believing that his pity and solace should be spent on someone who deserved it, not the likes of her. She should be left alone. All alone. Except...

"Kaien-dono once told me that if I died, I should try not to die alone. Because if I died near my nakama, I could leave my heart with them. All the time we spent together built up the bond between us, connecting our hearts. So when one of our nakama dies, we carry them on in our hearts." She smiled to herself, there was no way in hell Kuchiki Rukia would says something like this out loud, it was far too sentimental. Leave it to Kaien-dono to make her say shit like this. "Kaien-dono told me when he died that he was leaving his heart with me..." She finally let the tears spill freely. "I always felt like I didn't deserve it. I didn't save him, I had saved myself. I'm not worthy of such precious cargo... But that is the way it is. I have a responsibility to live life well because I am carrying Kaien-dono's heart with me." Rukia finally gathered the courage to look into his eyes, trying not to care what she found there. "What I wanted to say, Ichigo, was your mother probably left her heart to you in much the same way. You are carrying a piece of her. So you have to live on, and live well, because she is living on inside you."

"Rukia..." He whispered in amazement. She was the same. He just couldn't believe it. He had often thought that he and the shinigami were direct opposites, she was a manipulative, condescending, holier-than thou, business obsessed midget and he was well... tall. And not manipulative in the slightest. But now he realized they were the same, and Kuchiki Rukia could no longer be just a character from another world, a hero from an anime, she was a person to him. A friend. A really good one, he realized. He could count the number of people he had felt this close to on one hand.

He wanted to do something, to say something, to let her know how much it meant to him that she just shared that with him, and that she was just plain stupid if she thought that that was all her fault, but he didn't have the words. He had always admired people who had a way with words, because at moments like these, didn't have a clue what to say. He read William Shakespeare religiously and it didn't seem to help. His mind was raw, wordless emotion. If he could hug her, hold her, then maybe he could get his point across, but that would be... inappropriate.

Before his mind could get a solid hold on a course of action, Rukia was off the bed, vanishing to the safety of her closet. Ichigo, surprised, followed, still not having a clue what to say. "Oy! Rukia..." He started awkwardly, knocking on his (her) closet door.

"Go to sleep, idiot!" She yelled from inside. She could tell that he was still processing what he had told her. She didn't want to see his face when he finally collected his thoughts.

"Stop being a bitch! God! Sorry for trying to fucking THANK YOU!" He yelled, annoyed and exasperated that she was making this even more difficult for him.

"Ichigo..." Rukia smiled in the darkness, a fluttery feeling entering her stomach. He was still yelling at her... That was a good sign. "You're welcome. Now go to bed, I won't have you blaming me in the morning when you're too tired to go to school."

Sighing, he leaned his head against the door. She was using her normal imperious tones. He almost smiled. "Arigato..." Ichigo whispered gently before heading off to bed again, this time slipping underneath the covers.

An hour later she opened her (his) closet door and found him sound asleep, lying on his side towards her. No scowl, no frown. Just peace; he actually looked fifteen. She was glad she said something.

_You know what to do, please review! (Hey... that rhymed!)_


End file.
